My heart is heavy tonight as I sit and listen to my 3 yr old son, Phoenix cry and cry. I feel soo bad for him because he doesn't have the ability to communicate very well or understand. There have been times where I've wanted to put him in time out instead of spank him but it wouldnt' do any good because he wouldn't understand me when I talked to him about the reason why he was in time out. I just feel so frustrated. I sit and watch Jonah develop beautifully in all aspects..mentally and physically and Phoenix is struggling. Jonah can properly use the pedals on a tricylce and Phoenix still pushes with his feet. Jonah can properly grasp a crayon or other writing utensil as Phoenix still holds it in his fist. Phoenix's delays are becoming more and more apparent with his younger brother surpassing him in almost everything. I feel so bad for Phoenix, my heart hurts for him. Sometimes I get frustrated at him because he can't understand me. I'm sitting here crying in frustration because I don't know what to do. He's had therapy since he was 6 months old until he turned 3 in October and it seemed like he was doing great but now it seems like he's almost going backwards. I just don't understand it. I never thought I'd have a child with delays - it's so heart wrenching, frustrating, and sometimes embarrassing when people who don't understand give dirty looks. I love my little Phoenix so much and I wish he was developing at a normal rate so he could have the chance to excel at stuff. He's 3 now and I would love more than anything to put him in Starter Pee Wee Baseball but he's not developmentaly ready - he wouldn't understand. I just feel like he's missing out on so much and it sucks. It just sucks. I've went thru every emotion when it comes to his delays...even wondering at times if it's MY fault. Do I spend enough one on one time with him? Do I interact with him enough? Am I doing all I can to make sure I am allowing Phoenix his full potential to grow? Why is he like this? Was it something that happened during pregnancy? Was it because I didn't take my prenatals? Was it because of the preterm labor drugs I had to take? There's just so many questions I have but no answers and that's the hard part about it all - WHY is he like this? WHY is it just him and not my other children? What is so different. I'm just so confused, hurt, frustrated. I think we will be taking a visit to the Pediatricians office soon for some better insight. I'm signing off for now.
I love my Bubby.
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