In the year 2002, I became a 1st time Mommy to a beautiful blue eyed 6 lb 11 oz baby girl on August 5. I learned so much through the eyes of my daughter. I learned that my life was no longer mine and that I was responsible for this human being that stole my heart. I learned that it was possible for your heart to live outside your body. I learned that I had a reason for living. I learned that the smallest things thru my eyes were the biggest things thru her eyes. I learned to be a kid all over again. I learned patience. I learned what it truly meant to love someone more than yourself. I learned the words to "Good Night Moon". I learned what pure joy and happiness was. I learned that I had lost my mind but found my heart and soul.
In the year 2003, my Mom became very ill and passed away a short time later. My Mom died May 18, 2003 at the tender age of 45 years old. At 22 years old, I learned what true heartache was. I learned to no longer trust the Lord as he obviously didn't have my best interest at heart. I learned to question my beliefs. I learned to dislike the people who would say negative things about my Mom. I learned that I had resentment towards my Mom and thought of her as selfish, after all she didn't HAVE to die. I learned alcohol does not discriminate and can and will kill. I learned to write my Mom when I wanted to pick up the phone and call her. I learned that I would NEVER be able to talk to my Mom for the rest of my life. I learned that I would not have my Mom present on my wedding day. I learned that my daughter would never be able to meet her Grandma. I learned that I would never have to repeat a joke 5 times while my Mom wrote it down because she didn't have a good memory. I learned that my Mom would live forever in my heart and soul.
In the year 2005, I became a single Mom of a beautiful 4 yr old little girl. I had my own apartment and supported her financially on my own by working 2 jobs (full-time and part-time). As hard and trying as it was I learned a lot about myself. I learned that I could do things on my own and that I didnt' need a man to support me. I learned responsibility. I learned what it meant to fall on hard times. I learned the feeling of hunger. I learned the true meaning of "your children come first". I learned how to wash my clothes in the bathtub and dry them on my balcony. I learned to no longer hang my panties out to dry as I had some freaky neighbors. I learned the feeling of pride. I learned that my daughter loved me no matter what. I learned that "I will survive"!
In the year 2006, I discovered that the man God had chosen for me has been right in front of me for the last 8 years. I learned that I didn't have to go thru my life all alone. I learned that I had someone to laugh with. I learned that it was possible for someone else to love my daughter. I learned it was possible to feel beautiful just from him looking at me. I learned the feeling of 'real' love. I learned the answer to "how do you know he's the one?". I learned the answer when I realized not only was he someone I could live with but also who I could not live without. I learned the meaning of patience, yes for the second time. lol I learned that along with the man of my dreams came a stepson. I learned the trials and tribulations of being a stepmom. I learned the hurt when I am there for him day in and day out but his Mom gets all the goodies.
In the year 2007, I became pregnant with baby #2. We were letting things happen naturally and I became pregnant about 6 months later. One night, out of the blue, I decided to take a pregnancy test. I was not due for 'mother nature' for another week but I was what they call a "pee on the stick addict". I decided to take the test just for the excitement of watching my pee move across the stick lol. Low and behold, something showed up!!! I didn't know what it was but it was something! I didn't have the package insert for the test anymore so I wasn't certain what sign meant 'positive' and what meant 'negative'. I flew out of the bathroom like a bat out of hell and sat on my husbands lap who happened to be on the computer. He wasn't certain what in the world I was doing until he watched me type in "ept pregnancy test results". It was all over from there. To the store we went where I spent $50 on additional pregnancy tests for them to all say positive. I learned that I was scared! I learned that I was happy! I learned that I was resentful. I learned that despite what my Ob/gyn said I could get pregnant and was! I soon learned that I was very very sick. I learned to love the hospitals because they had the "miracle drugs" to get me to stop puking. I learned I was having a son! I learned how scary it was to be in labor at 26 weeks, I revisisted that feeling at 32 weeks. I learned that I couldn't wait to dig in the dirt and the worms.
In the year 2007, I gave birth to a beautiful blue eyed 5 lb 13.5 oz baby boy, he was gorgeous. I had a son! It really happened, he was here - a son! I never thought I would have a son given that I have 4 sisters, a niece, and a daughter already...I thought I would live the rest of my life in a household full of estrogen. I learned the complete and utter amazement that came over me as my son stared at me for the first time. I learned to breastfeed. I learned patience more than I ever learned before. I learned that my son had developmental delays. I learned that my son LOVED to cry and he cried most of the day. I learned that his Pediatrician never seen a baby cry as much as he did and admitted him into the Children's Hospital for testing. I learned that all tests came back normal and that I just had "a crier" on my hands. I learned patience, did I say that already lol? I learned that I had lost my mind but found my heart and soul...yes again.
In the year 2007, I became pregnant with baby #3..no that's not a typo, it says '2007'. Thru-out my entire pregnancy with #2 my husband would tell people, "She only has 6 weeks and we're gonna do it again!" Well, who would have thought it would really happen? I don't recall the events that took place to prompt me to take a pregnancy test when my son was just 6 weeks old, but I did. It was VERY faint BUT it was there. I showed the test to my husband and my best friend and neither one of them believed that it was positive since it was so faint. They both thought it was the "line that is already there" although it was pink in color. Us three went to Shoney's that morning with my 6 week old infant by my side and we're talking about the pregnancy test and that I can't believe they don't believe me. I call the customer service # on the EPT box and put it on speaker phone so they can hear the lady say, "no matter how faint the line if it's there then it's positive". Well, they STILL didn't believe me...sooo off to the Ob/gyn we went. We get there about 2 hours after my 1st positive pregnancy test at home and I pee on a stick and the nurse comes in and says "it's negative". There's no way - I KNOW what I seen. So, I show her my positive test that I conveniently had in my purse and she schedules a blood test. I learned that I was right. I learned that I was CRAZY. I learned the meaning of "wtf am I going to do now?!" I learned that I would have "Irish Twins".
In the year 2008, I gave birth to a gorgeous blue eyed 8 lbs 0 oz baby boy. Not only did I have one son but now I had TWO. My 10 month old son was in the room when he was born and it was perfect..he just stared at my newborn in amazement, he didn't make a sound. Ten minutes after I gave birth I had my 10 month old son jumping on my bed. I learned that I was now a mother to 3 children and a stepson. I learned that my entire life was going to get a lot more hectic. I learned patience, yes I know I've said it before but hey...you can never learn that one enough. I learned heart ache for my children very soon.
In the year 2008, my 3rd son became ill. We were never able to come home from the hospital after he was born. He never had his first poop, wouldn't breastfeed and was getting jaundice - something was wrong with my baby. The Dr's had us stay an extra day in the hospital waiting for him to poop but he never did. I have never wanted to see a bowel movement so bad in my life before, I was getting very worried. I learned my son was born with Hirschsprung's Disease. I learned that Hirschsprung's Disease is a deadly disease if not treated with proper surgery. I learned the pain of not being able to take my son home. I learned the jealousy and pain of watching my son take his first ride, not in our car, but in an ambulance while he was transferred. I learned the "ins and outs" of the NICU. I learned the pain of having to scrub from fingernails to elbows and put a gown on just to hold my son. I learned that I could only hold MY son at certain times of day. I learned the pain of not being able to nurse my son. I learned the pain of watching my son survive from vitamins being pumped into his system by a plastic tube. I learned to question my beliefs again and ask God WHY. I learned what it felt like to have my world crumble before my eyes. I learned how it felt to sleep in that cold hospital room down the hall from my son. I learned that I had fallen in love all over again with my husband thru this tragic experience. I learned the pain of having to kiss my son goodbye as they wheeled him off to the operation room. I learned that time stood still while staring at the waiting room phone waiting for it ring to let me know my son was okay. I learned that my heart was in the operating room with my son. I learned that was the longest 8 hours of my entire life. I learned the excitement of receiving a call at midnight telling us that my son had POOPED! I learned how quickly we agreed for my husband to drive to the hospital in the middle of night and to give my son his first taste of pumped breastmilk :) I learned the PURE JOY of nursing my son for the FIRST time when he was 11 days old, I could finally sustain my son! I learned that he LOVED breastfeeding and so did I. I learned that I was the happiest Mother on the face of this earth!
My son came home September 15th and that was one of the happiest times of my life! My son was HOME! I will be forever in debt to his surgeon, who blessed my son and enabled him to live his life. My sons troubles weren't over yet :( Pretty soon he was no longer able to pass a bowel movement. He was back in the hospital. His surgeon had never seen this type of complication in a Hirschsprungs baby before and didn't know what to do. His amazing surgeon took my son into his hands and made my son a priority. He researched like a mad man and called a Dr overseas about a report this Dr had published, he held medical conferences regarding MY son and how to heal him. Within a week's time this man had answers for my son!! He had a Manometry test performed to check for a hypersensitive sphincter muscle and it came back positive. His anus muscle was too tight and wouldn't allow stool to pass thru. He underwent anesetia and had his first botox injection into his sphincter muscle. IT WORKED, for 2 months anyways :( He was shortly back in the hospital not being able to poop again, this process was repeated 3 other times. The maximum amount of botox injections he could have was 4 before having to splice his sphincter muscle which could have caused a lifetime of incontinence. The 4th injection was the one that worked FOR GOOD! My son has been a healthy rambunctious little man for over a year now!!
I learned why God put me through everything he did.....I learned the very valuable lesson of, IT CAN HAPPEN TO ME. I no longer have the "it can't happen to me attitude" and it has completely changed my life. I will never look at anything the same again. I've learned very quickly that our life is not guarenteed.
Think I have my hands full? You should see my heart!
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