Damn, talk about a reality check, that puts the word "real" into reality. This morning started off pretty rocky for me, as I was just not feeling it. Started off with Jonah coming into my bedroom to wake me up which was nice. I enjoy some quiet time with just one of my sons from time to time, it's so nice and rare that I get to spend time with just one. After coming downstairs and changing his diaper and taking Juno out, Phoenix wakes up. Now, they're both up and let the fighting begin. I change Phoenix's diaper and we go into the kitchen to prepare breakfast. I make us some pancakes, mmm...my first time ever using REAL maple syrup - it was good but tasted a bit like coffee. Before I know it it's 10 a.m. and time for us to watch Price Is Right. It was during this hour that I almost lost it. If anyone knows Jonah and how his temper and stubborness is, they will whole heartedly understand my emotions. My two boys were fighting over something, it's still not clear why or what they were fighting over. I sent my husband a text message, this is what it said "OMG, I'm fixing to have a nervous breakdown! Screaming, crying, toys making noise, banging toys, screaming, stomping. I can't fucking take it anymoooorreeee!" I was so close to losing my cool this morning that it wasn't funny. I needed a Mommy Time-Out and quick! It was so bad that my throat had hurt from yelling.
Things seemed to calm down a bit. I made the boys lunch and now they are watching Yo Gabba Gabba. I warmed my left over Beef Stew and sit down in front of the computer to eat. It was then that a friend of mine posted a link to this blog and what a reality check and slap in the face it was.
Here is an excerpt of this Mothers blog:
"I admittedly ran to my moms classroom and said Maddie stopped breathing she is going to the hospital. I started to grab my stuff and told my mom I couldn't drive myself, so she drove me. We raced to the hospital. When we got there I knew it was bad. The security guard at the front told us to wait for an officer to escort us back. After what seemed like forever the officer told us we can come back. They started to walk around the corner and said no never mind this way and started to open a door. When they started to open the door, I knew she was gone. I started screaming "NO".We sat down on the couch and they told us they did everything they could but she was gone. James wasn't there yet it was just my mom and I. He got there a few seconds later. I was in such shock I couldn't even cry. I just wanted to scream."
After reading the mentioned blog I sat here thinking "What the fuck am I doing? Am I really that fucking stupid to not realize what I have?" Even on days that my boys are under my skin and I'm seconds away from pulling my hair out..I still need to take a moment and realize just how very blessed I am. I write this as my oldest son tries to hit my youngest with a helicopter. I have been known to get so frustrated somedays that I think to myself "I hate my life". There have been a few times that I wish I had a job away from this house so I didn't have to listen to all of the screaming, fighting, yelling, and crying all day long. But then after reading the blog I thought...what if I didn't have to listen to it anymore? What if one of them died? This is a very real possibility as each day is not guarenteed, as it is a gift which is why it's called the "present". I couldn't even tell you how I'd feel, that is something you can't ever put into words and hopefully I never will. I can tell you that I would miss everything about my boys that makes me pull my hair out. I get frustrated, annoyed, and stressed, what parent doesn't right? But I'm making a promise to Maddie that I will forever be grateful of my loud annoying and sometimes weird children, each and every one of them. I will not take them for granted anymore as they are not my children, they are God's and when he wants them home he will take them.
Maddie, you were only here on this earth for a very short 4 months but you have touched my heart forever. God bless you and may you rest in peace and sing with the angels.
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